Just drumming.
I sold my old drum kit this week. It’s something that I thought a lot about.
I couldn’t let go of the thing that I used to learn with.
I haven’t played it in yrs, now its time to be valuable to someone else.
This was recorded last Saturday actually.
I haven’t drummed yet today. Chores first.
Fine art Friday.
The colours of fall start small. The change in colour is the first part. It’s so beautiful. Every fall I look for two key things, the wind blowing leaves, and a single leaf that speaks that to that change. This one was it. I’m looking forward, but hopefully low enough to be conscious of the change happening at my feet.
& *One more thing...
Even if this post finds nothing but the void, then at least I said it. No algorithm, no advertisement, no leading you on.
Just me. I’ve said what I said. If I change my mind. Then I changed it.
Regardless, it’s going to be authentic. I can’t help it anymore. Tactful, yes, humble, sometimes not, sometimes learning, sometimes not authentically.
Learning how to speak my mind.
Sometimes I say the quiet part out loud.
I should clarify something.
Speaking one’s mind does not necessarily mean speaking one’s truth. We often confuse the two. I get it wrong all the time.
This leads to a misplaced loyalty to a bad thought process that leads to a bad behavior.
We get so caught up in believing what we think we know, that we never understood what we were supposed to know and when we were supposed to know it.
So caught up in our own distorted and self rewarding thought process that we forget to check whether we have it right or not.
I get it right, I’ve got it wrong. Repeatedly.
Live authenticity.
I have a purpose for something.
My free-will lets me trip along the way, but eventually I’m going to end up no further than the stones that found my feet in the first place.
I wouldn’t be here and conscious of it, if it wasn’t to be given the opportunity to learn how to and then do something along the way. Yet the first thing that we all did was realize that we needed help quickly to do that. To survive, and then to understand the living part.
Someone responded, pay it forward.
That’s called recognizing when someone needs help other than me, then deciding what to do about it based on what I now see and understand. Sadly, sometimes based on how I feel positively or negatively about doing that too.
I’m weak and selfish sometimes. I’ll own it. If that’s scary, well, that’s a problem.
I want what I want. Not always what’s good for me.
I cant help it enough. Its my nature, my detriment, my practice, and my mantle. It is also my disdain.
My sin. My calling. My love, My imperfection.
Its my life’s juxtaposition.
Regardless of human propose and personal belief, I believe that we are created to have joy within our imperfection. I believe that we were created to be redeemed. Redemption brings joy. It cant help it. Abandoning the expressions of the past, and seeing the learning experiences for what they were.
I know what brings me joy, that’s focusing on the things that I’m passionate about. It’s in finding those speechless moments when the only thing that you can do is laugh at yourself, and then try again because you know you will do it better the next time.
I pour myself into the passions that I have. That’s a strange thing to say when I read it back to myself, but its actually very Bruce Lee. Become the kettle, become the cup, become the mouth. “Be like water”- Sometimes salt is involved.
Live accordingly. Be the drummer, Be the photographer, be the writer. Be the reader. Speak truth. Cook with it.
These passions inspire me. I’m starting to see the people around me who truly inspire that life and growth in me. I haven’t been good at identifying that before.
That’s growth and self respect I guess.
I realized something about myself and finding life this weakness,
Creating art and learning to create it is a cyclical thing. Its the internal gaslighting that all artists go through in order to create the things that we create. To produce something from within ourselves.
Same thing applies to the life of something. Either you lift something up, or you put it down.
Art is never finished, it’s only abandoned. Yes, but that’s the wrong way to look at it.
The artist just moved on to the next. They couldn’t help it, the last one taught them the lesson that they needed to know. It is now expression. That’s called practice. Only later does it become. Art.
That’s when no one wants to touch it anymore, Not even the artist.
That’s usually why we stop and take a picture of the food before we turn it into life giving waste.
Life is practice. Life is expression. Life is art. Tripping over one’s self is the best part. It’s where the truth is.
Time to move on. brush off the dust. Laugh, time to be like water again.
I have joy, truly. I’m still. well, not all the time.
-Nathan.
I just realized why I don’t have a photograph for this thought.
I haven’t captured it yet. That doesn’t mean I don’t want it or didn’t want it either.
I’m in touch with my feelings, I express them all the time. I’ll know it when I see it.
The photograph I mean. I think. Trust the process.
I’m grateful for that.
*No Breaks! No breaks!
I think I’m starting to plan a trip somewhere.
Correction.
This trip was planned a long time ago.
I’ve been working. Those who work in film and those who’ve lived with those who do, know this.
The hrs are long. It’s not slave driving, it’s just the nature of the work. We want to maximize the balance of effective efficiency while mitigating expense while maximizing the profit.
Sadly most of us humans are horrible efficient at being ineffective, and terribly effective at distorting the two. We problem solve daily.
The very thing that we create is single-serving friends.
It’s no wonder that the work schedule can be fickle.
The nature of my job is this… We cant help but be who we are.
Sometimes, I discover that I have no breaks. I was too busy doing something that I love.
I’ll never stop drumming.
We do what we do because we love doing it. Well, I do.
I did this for my morning.
I drummed. New drumsticks. Different compositions. Same Drummer.
Then I played a shorter, more snare and speed intensive one. Different pressure and repetition. Learning to let go of control, while bring order to the pattern. Maybe that’s what expression means.
So I guess the question is…
How much self respect do you have?
That’s rhetorics by the way. We all see it differently.
It’s definitely a new understanding for me.
I value certain things more than I thought I did, and I detest certain things I put up with before.
Stand in truth, live in humility.
Be humbled.
Still learning.
Tonight, in this moment.
I realized that I’m feeling myself again.
Im watching Anthony Bourdain, and eating Subway.
Yes, I know.. That’s a juxtaposition.
I don’t care.
I am a wedding photographer.
I should probably explain that a bit. I’ve been married before. It didn’t work out. I’m also a photographer of weddings, I’ve experienced a few of them too. I think I have a better understanding of how the photographs will turn out now.
I started with photography when I expressed to my mom, my need for camera before a school trip to Mexico. I was 11.
She gave me hers.
It was a sweet little 16mm. Finding film for it now would be impossible. The pictures were blurry, but I was able to take photographs of people that I loved, so I was happy. I still have most of those photographs somewhere.
After some growing pains and misplaced passions, I took the advise of a dear friend and bought a used Yashica with a 50mm prime.
With my friends help and a manual camera by which to learn, a passion was born.
The light and the passage of time that I saw through it, could be captured with flair.
With identity.
I was hooked.
I bumped into one of my pastors this afternoon. The subject of identity and photography came up.
I realized for the first time, just how strongly I felt about my identity as just that, a photographer.
I can’t help it.
It’s like gravity, like my music, like a voice.
I am who I am.
I’m fine with that. My soul has gravitated to that which I was made to be. I became a photographer because I was ment to.
The thing about gravity is that it’s steadfast. It’s consistent. It’s so consistent that it can be measured by.
Destiny is difficult to measure, because there’s trust involved. That trust is placed on the training and the desire to do something. Having a nack for it, who knows.
I spent the next 3 yrs training, learning, developing, printing, practicing, hiking, and working on my skill.
Then someone asked me to photograph a wedding. That’s when it clicked.
I needed to know all of the things. Then I needed to be myself on top of it. It’s a tall order.
But that’s not the part that clicked. It was the nature of how I needed to be combined with all of the disciplines that I’d learnt.
I love photographing weddings because I get to witness something beautiful. I’m surrounded by it. Capturing gorgeous moments and people is not a problem.
I’ve cried, I’ve laughed until no breath, and I’ve experienced something new every time that I’ve held that responsibility.
Can’t wait to photograph the next one.
Fine art Friday.
The mirror and the shadow.
Both are recognized.
They are recognition of light received.
From one artist to another.
We should probably. Gravity is inevitable. I’ve always liked this certain percussion sound. I tried to add it in on an off-note, as if to pull the sound. lol, I had fun with it. This was recorded tonight.
*Life is found in the anticipation of living.
The amazing thing about life is that we all understand it, yet we all understand it differently.
Life is born from the form to live.
A tree reaches to the sky, not because someone told it to, but because it must.
It can’t help it. It anticipates the next part.
Our lives live for life, not just survival.
Death is found in the process of killing it.
I had to think about this one for a second….whough. Rough.
*The cozy confines of comfort.
It’s amazing what we let ourselves get away with in the name of comfort.
Hard work is good work. I do not live this all the time. But sometimes, life is hard. That’s how we learn lessons.
When I give that some thought, as I have, I realize with finality.
It’s about deciding something.
Learning in reverse.
Im still learning. It feels that way all the time. Like walking backwards out of something.
I think that’s called learning the hard way.
=
The desired outcome did not happen when I did it the way that I thought would work. Again. Now, I’ve paid for it. I learned a lesson.
I’ll do it the right way this time.
I feel like writing. Actually, I don’t. Not yet.
Focus.
I’m starting to see what I’m looking at.
I listened to this one from yesterday. There’s new beats in there. I wish I could drum them again. I probably will, I played them once, I’ll just need find them again. learning in reverse.
Sometimes I need someone to tell me what I’m doing while I’m doing it. I’ll make the decision if that sounds good or not.
I’m not talking about drumming anymore.
That’s not pride either, that’s clarity followed by discernment.
The recklessness of being, and the anatomy of grace.
In the morning, when I ponder and pray, often the words of my mind speak the conclusion before the process.
I see it.
I just haven’t described it yet.
That’s because I learn in reverse.
Oh My God.
=
God, the ownership of myself is yours. I am in awe of you, because I don’t measure up.
I measure my brokenness by something that is not broken.
That’s the testing standard.
That’s called a control.
That’s where it starts.
The relationship, I mean.
Control of one’s self, measured and weighed against an unbroken standard.
Step one is admitting that you and I have a problem.
The process of grace swiftly sometimes slowly follows, but always returns.
Because He loves us first.
*Fine art Friday.
“In photography, it’s not difficult to reach a technical level where you don’t need to think about the technique anymore. I think there is far too much literature and far too much emphasis upon the techniques of photography. The make of the camera and the type of film we happen to use has little bearing on the results”
-Michael Kenna-
This is called a juxtaposition. I’ll be thinking about that more this evening.
Juxtapositions.
There are a lot of them.
I took these today with my phone. I was inspired.
Felt that way.
What is courage?
I think courage starts with respect.
What do you respect? What do I respect enough to have the courage and stand against adversity for?
What chooses the hill to die on?
Is ego courageous?
Whats the difference between ego, and self respect?
These are valid questions
Self respect is born out of a recognition of something. Something worthy of recognition. Self respect is holding one’s self to that standard. Principles.
Character.
Ego is just being a character, and acting like it’s important or something.
That’s called pride. That’s not good.
Courage must be present in order to survive something. To be willing to push aside those terrible things that we all walk through.
We all have to look deep within ourselves daily.
I just had a very positive conversation with a new friend of mine. We discovered together where the root of hate and pain actually came from. We realized that what we were confusing as hate was actually pain manifesting itself as defence. That’s not courage.
That’s survival. Survival is really only up to you and what’s important for you to save in the moment.
If your ego is more important to you than what really matters all the time, then you are probably fucked.
That’s a tough pill to swallow.
-
Are you being tested?
Then there’s a standard.
What is Joy? @&@&
What makes it strong? The Joy of the Lord will be my strength. That’s what Christians say. I’ve been thinking.
I’ve been laughing.
I’ve been drumming.
I’ve been recognizing and enjoying the lives of others.
I’m genuinely curious about everything.
I’m discovering how I actually learn things and why.
I want to understand.
I’m tired of patience. I want to be doing.
I should be playing.
Where did this sound expression come from? Where did this expression of sound come from?
It came from the heart.
Because, in this moment, tonight, I expressed joy by singing something to the source of that joy.
I’m a why learner. A co-worker pointed it out a while ago. I learn so much faster and accomplish a task with much more precision when I understand the why. Why drum like that? because I thought it sounded good. For instance.
Christianity made sense to me finally when I thought about it from a Character perspective.
Jesus is good. Be like that guy. I should probably listen to what He had to say too.
That’s what I believe. You are not me.
But honestly, that’s your prerogative.
Joy to me, means recognizing the beauty in something that you overlooked before, and then feeling happy relief that you found it anyway. (more on this later)
Satisfied.
Joyful, for whatever comes next.
That’s why I love working on old images sometimes, it inspires me to stretch out and take new ones.
New leaps of faith, everyday. We all do it.
Hopefully you felt joy at the end of your day. Sometimes I don’t.
But what I think doesn’t matter. Because in this moment.
You either have it.
Or you don’t.