I’m not under the illusion that this isn’t difficult.
I’m not heartless. The reason that I chose and choose to communicate with you the way that I have and will, is because I both understood and misunderstood something about who you were or are and who I am and who I was.
I apologize for the misunderstanding.
I will be completely honest with you, sometimes I feel like a retrained hurricane.
This blog has proven to be a blessing in disguise. The opportunity and curse to speak my mind. I’m if I do, I am if I don’t.
I’ve decided not to fear restraint anymore. More on that later.
I’m an artist, I am a musician, I am a creative. I capture, I share, I play. I influence, because I have been influenced by. Be Cause.
Yet, patience.
You have been patient with me, I will be patient with you.
Speaking to the wind gives neither importance. It’s the intention behind it.
Both wait to have their voices truly heard.
What do you want from me?
I said this to someone significant today. I ment it. I didn’t actually mean it.
That was the point.
I’ve had very deep discussions on this topic before. To be honest, they were a bit one sided, but the point remained, what is the point?
Why live anyway?
I’ve been blessed with knowledge of my death. I have a lifetime to think about it. Yet, I cry out. I wake up, again and again. This cry and repetition of process must be directed toward something. There must be a reason.
Why do I feel compelled to write gibberish the moment I wake? What is the compelling need to have one’s voice heard?
On any given Sunday. Come as you are.
More to think about. Time for pizza.
Time to think about the character of things.
I’ve heard a simple mandate for living many times before.
“Love your God, Love others.”
So simple, so complex.
What is God anyway? Is it still a thing? Do we even need it anymore? Is God cultural again?
It’s a confusing time to ask that. I’ve struggled with the idea for my whole life. What is direction anyway? What is the mandate for the pathway set before us? Do we run? Do we crawl? Do we jump gleefully to the left and discover principles?
Or is there no point.
No, there’s certainly a point. It’s instinctual for all of us to survive. The first thing that everyone of us did was cry out in desperation for help.
We need to eat. We need to be. We need to rest. We need to matter to something.
I’ve mattered a great deal to many people. I know this because they’ve mattered a great deal to me.
Many of those people however don’t matter a great deal to me anymore, nor I to them. That’s the other side of the coin. That’s life. Single serving friends, temporary lives and buffet lineups. Collisions at intersections, family breakups, failed marriages. Lost friendships.
New people to love, and new lessons on how to do that. learning to love, me. Then you. That’s humanity.
Learning how to be a photographer is great, but I still need to be sure that I know how to use the camera before being asked to shoot a wedding.
Steve learned that lesson. He told me about the experience. He was sure to tell me about the mistake he’d made in the first place.
Good intentions fail miserably all the time. I have a close friend who’s life was forever changed by a drunk driver, He can attest to this.
Life goes on. Life is in the living. Even if it’s in a wheelchair. We laughed about this very subject just last month. We sat together on a sunny patio and talked about life. I hadn’t seen him in 12 yrs. It was time to catch up.
When casually mentioning the means by which we experience pain, My friend looked at me with the expression that can only mean one thing. He was about to give me comical insight.
He said, “So I went to the doctor the other day and I said, Doctor, It hurts when I do this…The doctor looked at it, then at me and said, ...Then stop doing that!”
We laughed together. I need more of his friendship in my life.
My friend has character. I won’t tell his story, that’s for him to tell. I’ll ask him if he has more insights to share, he has certainly lived a life.
So did my brother. I realized the other day while looking over my writing this last 2 weeks. He’s on my mind a lot lately. For good reason. I ran into Steve’s Father in law today in church. It was good to see family.
Come as you are needs careful consideration.
We never know which tables in our lives need flipping.
Character is the new currency.
I’ll speak more to that later.
I fail miserably. Repeatedly. Insufferably.
Willingly. I get up again.
What do you want from me?
I woke up. It’s 422 in the morning after all.
I started the day.
I woke up on my own. Nobody told me to. I was In one state of thought, and then I was in another. I rejoined the conversation, with myself.
All other conversations will have preconceived notions of what is important, based on misguided opinions on the matter.
It’s a new day, it’s a new opportunity to break something.
To, Too, Two different ways to look at it.
I decided to wake up that way because something or something. I didn’t make the decision.
I’m never going to prevent you from leaving me alone when I’m sleeping. Unless I do.
#onsecondthought
I’m never going to prevent you from leaving me alone when I’m waking either. Unless I do.
What makes you think I need your opinion on the process? Unless I ask you?
The decision to live and rise wasn’t mine to begin with. It isn’t yours either. You just get pushed into it.
Like birth.
Is that too honest to a fault? Or just being an adult?
More thinking things.
I should go back.
Nope.
Too late. I had a second thought.
That’s why we fight in the first place isn’t it, after all.
It’s certainly why we decided not to.
Interesting, that when I’m sleeping, I’m not thinking about the lungs that I abuse when I’m awake, I just use them without giving it a second thought.
Ask the Elephant in the Room.
Before we address the elephant, we must understand something. What is the significance of this animal?
Before we understand the room, we need information. What is the size of this room? What’s a room anyway?
Are we in here with a significant animal, or is it in here with us? Is it even an elephant anymore? or Is it something else?
or … Is it just our silly selfish minds playing tricks on our fragile emotions?
That’s exactly what it is.
Probably because we all look at an elephant significantly and differently.
We should ask ourselves how to properly address the elephant. Character awareness is objective and subjective.
Its there. or It doesn’t matter.
That’s a good place to start.
Learning to see. Always seeing always learning.
This is the winning concept I think. What light did I feel like today? Calm, subdued, rested, unclear of what’s around the corner. The light is beautiful though.
I need to play with the edit further, but the mood is a bit better. Thanks for the perspective friends!
I could write a book about this photograph. Gets me thinking. It causes me to consider my knees.
This is just a man. I asked to have his picture taken.
Sometimes our awareness gets confused when we are searching through the air for freedom.
This little one didn’t even get a chance to learn their song. The last thing that it was looking for was its own reflection.
Yet still, It died in beautiful pose.
I asked a person once, lying on a patch of roadside grass, “Why did you move here? You clearly fell over there.”
He said,
“Because it looked soft.”
This image was not staged. I looked to my left.
I don’t even know where to start with this one. So much inside of it. Funny, it was taken outside a significant building.
I don’t know these two. We weren’t introduced. She was asking him questions, and He was giving her good answers.
She used His strength to jump over the bigger puddles. I had put my camera away. You’ll have to trust me on that.
Ok.
Drum time. Laundry has been washed.
I understand something.
I know the why.
What should I do with it?
I’m doing it.
Coffee first. Music later. I’m putting them down.
I picked up my camera as I left, I was told to be conscious of what and who I would see. Now the debate begins.
Color or B&W? This is the first question of the day. I’m seeing them everywhere.
#pathwaytonowhere
#nocolor
The stillness of words, beats to a song.
It’s no coincidence that my thoughts find paper more often on the weekend.
It’s relaxing to write, I realized that this week, because frankly, I missed it. We work long hours in film. Finding the mental energy was difficult.
I really appreciate the level of responsibility that my leaders have on my work team. They work longer hrs than I do, and its always present in the mind. Yet they power through, with enthusiasm, diligence, discernment, and grace. Film people are a unique bunch. We are all artists. In fact, having said that, I can repeat it for my whole crew. I’m blessed to work with good people.
Its the weekend. I have no shame in saying that I have much to say.
I’ve had the subject matter in my head over the week, but I didn’t look into it. Most of my posts are off the cuff anyway, so I’ll see where my thoughts take me. Time to drum first.
This was recorded on Monday.
Listing to it again, Wow. That recording isn’t great. I need to get better at that.
Birds of a feather.
Display gorgeous feathers. They manipulate the air and water, and are aware of it. They sing the songs of that which they are, and who they are. They exist to exist, together.
This however is not the focus.
That’s just my observation. I also observe other things.
He rests. He even rested for me, he just didn’t know it. I was talking with my friend J in the kitchen, noticed it, had to run to my bedroom to get my camera.
This is my favourite of probably 10 exposures.
He sat there, singing every now and then. Relieved himself and left.
He probably has a good idea how to provide both for himself and others. He is aware. He lives with intent. He knows what is and what isn’t, well, maybe not, but we’ll never know.
He emerged from his shell, and the first thing that he did was cry. He was hungry.
Funny. We all do that as humans too. I’m doing it right now. But that’s life. Still, let’s try to avoid the unpleasantries. Like people who do that badly. You know, live out of character.
This one seems just fine. He lives with grace. The story of his life speaks to me. Free as a bird as they say.
Listening and singing at the same time. Sounds like a good way to learn from it.
Actions have consequences. He knows this. He’s aware. He knows how to live. He knows how to live poorly. I’m pretty sure It’s not staging anything.
That’s because he is. He’s still. Not necessarily quiet.
This is a photograph. This not a video. It is not witness of action being processed. It is a witness of a moment in time itself. Of things, taken by things. Energy was taken, received, and converted to light.
Stare at your phone for a moment and think about that. Are you smiling?
We are witnesses of this moment in time. We are present in it. Now present in thought. We are seeking something.
What is the song? What is he trying to say? What is the language? What is the message? What do I mimic? How do I cry my song? How do I be me?
I didn’t think that. We did. We just didn’t realize it.
One must sing one’s song to get along.
Pronouns are both objective and subjective.
I’m a Man, so is He. Men cry. First thing we did was cry. Weakness is strength.
Ha. There’s a thought.
Hope I’m not walking on eggshells. Whoops.
I jest. All. The. Time.
Then, for moments in time. I’m witnessed being still and quiet.
Energy is subjective. In my life. I fight with a cry and a feather.
Hammers are subjective, as are stones, as is water.
As are birds.
Sometimes what I think is the same is the same as what is. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s absolutes.
Absolutes are good. They are objective.
As are birds.
What’s good for one bird isn’t necessarily good for the others.
There’s one right there, an absolute. The bird’s gone. Not missing.
Away. It’s indifferent to the current.
Loyalty. It’s an inevitability.
It was my first thought. Personal truths tend to do that. Mine certainly do. That’s not always good. It might be time to give up the drug.
I was disappointed today. Then I recognized it for what it was. Fear and Pride. My timing was off.
I witnessed pain, and honesty. No need to elaborate. I could see it happening. It was right in front of me.
It’s like watching a car wreck. It’s hard to not notice it. Yet strangely beautiful to witness.
It’s about becoming comfortable with impending pain. I’m certain of it. Well, it’s an opinion. It reminds me to think, listen carefully and recognize the animal.
That Car is going to fast! Oh no they’re not stopping!! Oh No YOu don🫨
Serenity Now!
A collision is often visually and mentally seen before it happens. This is foresight. Not rocket science. They crash. I’ve seen it before.
Gravity, energy, Inevitability.
I know the result of some of those collisions and avoided intereactions.
Were they desired outcomes?
I am only in control of myself. I am alone and with my process. I was born, I live, I will die. One action needs to happen before the other. That’s called process. Pattern. Not Insanity.
We expect the same resulting outcome. Or do we? Are we insane?
No. Insanity is not rhetorical.
This is a process that needs control of the whole tool to work properly. It requires submission and adaptation of the tool to reciprocate and replicate the actions of the tool’s creator in order to preform the action that the creator wants it to do. The action is not rhetorical, it’s instinctive.
Yet, I willfully step out of line. I rebel. I step out of alignment with the light.
I chose to step into the shadows. I need a good place to hide.
I step into the hole, or the well, or the grave.
The subjective one. It’s up to you to draw from.
Darkness and emptiness are already present.
I find joy in their company. I submit and die to the drug of self.
I’m loyal to me sometimes.
No, I don’t stay there.
Time to jump for joy.
I am free. Now.
That’s just the first part. The who, if willing to see it.
Let’s talk about the jumping part, and the loyalty to an understanding that governs the heart and the actions of one’s body.
Also known as a bending of the knees before an action.
The action, of loyalty.
Let’s be present.
That’s called Presence.
That means, if you read this,
We have been present. Present in thought. Often, present in person.
I know exactly what that has ment. I am also still learning what it means.
What does it mean to sit in the silence with something?
With someone?
What spirit makes you comfortable? Not because they are meek, but because they are strong.
I think I have a pretty good idea when it comes to strength. It’s my job. It’s my instrument.
Everything has a breaking point, however.
I break things all the time.
I feel incredibly blessed today. I might record a drum solo. My housemates and I are having steaks tonight. I’m grilling. Laundry and kitchen stuff first. Medication is great.
I’ll edit some photographs later. I should have a good nights rest. I have a couple meetings tomorrow.
Tonight’s Artist for the speakers,
SleepToken : Emergence, Caramel
Great songs, fantastic writing, amazing drumming. Inspiring.
Speaking of inspiring. I was inspired once.
I think I’ll call this one, White Painted Lost Validation. Light doesn’t need an audience.
Interesting that the light simply skips the process of jumping.
Now the song has changed. It’s changed me.
Kory Miller : Low
When I need to get lower to the ground because the presence of something is so great, I bend to my knees.
Funny thought. When I need to propel myself higher, I burn something and quickly change in the opposite direction of down.
What fire propels me to do that?
What’s the fuel for the fire?
Light comes from something. It’s energy.
Its present.
Why is the tree? Why is the grass? What’s the point?
Why do they burn? They both do, I’ve witnessed it.
Because they must. The flexibility is in the testing and the adapting. Pain is the process returning. Heat changes things. It takes things back to where things started.
A crucible is vessel for the fire of purification. Stillness is forged. Strength is found. Rarity is conceived.
It is only through the fires of a relentless change, that standards are set.
Cornerstones are placed.
Principles.
Principles are based on a pattern of repeated positive outcome.
We know the result, we desire the outcome, so we repeat it.
This is the nature of the wheel.
For the sun rises. The world turns Seasons change. So do colours.
Today is a beautiful day. Rejoice and be glad in it.
Celebrate.
Eat, Drink, Be Merry.
Get wasted in something.
If Im drowning in thought, I should probably be pretty clear about what to hold on to.
I’m still studying. I’m still learning and clarifying. Someone significant said something significant to me today. Something that I had heard before, but I have not heard in a long time.
Come as you are.
Colours are the reflections of thought, the greys are the understanding of the process. That’s called art. The addition and subtraction of something. With principles.
Relax time.
I must be in a good mood.
I’m thinking thoughts again.
Alone. It feels that way sometimes. It’s not. I scoff at the fear of being that way.
Alone.
I was built for it. It’s a prerequisite to being the person that I am. Alone in my thoughts? That’s scary to some. Alone in yours? Are you scared?
I’m not alone. I am alone.
I am not scared. I’ve been scared before. It scared me.
Let’s talk about that today. Let’s talk about the ordering of solitude. Fear is for the fire.
I love fire, I love fuel. I don’t want to fan the flame, but,
I want to start a fire. I want to watch it burn.
Jesus Christ. I need to stop.
He loves me enough to know that. He saves me anyway.
Why?
Why the tree? Why the hill? Why did you die on one? Why do I? What was the point?
What saves me exactly?
What is the picture trying to say?
Why was it staged that way? What was the composition?
Why?
It’s truly amazing how saying something three different ways, can be perceived differently.
Albeit Innocent Sounding.
What’s the story? What’s the process?
Why?
The story and the process of a plan is not the staging of one. It is just the ordered thoughts about process to achieve a desired outcome.
The why, is the understanding of the process.
Not the outcome.
How you personally feel about it, is up to you.
Have I been saved?
That’s called rhetorical reciprocal reprobation.
Hence the scoff.
Love yourself. First.
I know what it is.
Still writing. I am still. I am quiet. I am loving.
Sigh. I have loved. I love differently now. I didn’t change direction, lol. I changed lanes. No, that’s not my car, nor do I want it to be. I just loved the spare tire cover. I was not driving when I took this photograph. I love my job. It’s a theme. Back to 1980. I saw a tea shirt at work yesterday. It said Vintage. I understand the thought. But it made me think. What is vintage exactly? Another time.
Ok. Time to put rubber to the road.
Love yourself.
This is such a funny phrase. I understand why it is now. I didn’t before. I was raised in a very “others first” philosophy. It’s sticking now that I think about it, just how easily that message can be used to distort one’s autonomy.
One’s true agency needs to be owned before it can be properly utilized and shared.
Christ didn’t always “put others first”. Quite frankly, on several occasions He put others in their place.
He didn’t put up with their bullshit. He called them on it. Especially lukewarm charactor.
I just don’t give a shit anymore. I mean, I do, it’s just that the camera and the photographer needed to have had a safety meeting. We’re good now.
The lens just needed cleaning. It needed a character adjustment. The light wasn’t fully shining through. The attitude, well that used to be called a problem.
It’s not. I know where to look, and I have a knack for timing. I miss the beat sometimes. I don’t care. I miss a thousand photographs a day. I’m used to it.
Take care of yourself first. It’s hard to serve others properly if you don’t. One should be whole unto themselves.
Be mindful. Be present. Be loving.
Take care of yourself. I mean it.
I need to do the same.
I need to make some art. I want to create something.
Silly me, I am.
I’m writing from my heart.
A Thought.
I think to learn. I learn to think. I think badly, I learn to think badly.
I think to wound, I learn. I learn to stop.
Thought and the ability to learn are gifts. Just like forgiveness. They help us understand and learn the difference between starting and stoping. The duality of sacrifice in lives we live together in fellowship.
Sometimes we stop sacrificing for the team.
I stop.
I’ll live.
Only God will judge the con-sequence.
Tonight I exist in the quiet. In the shadows.
Chasing light until the morning. I’ll never understand it, I’ll only abandon it.
My will to be present and stay in the 18% grey.
(That’s a photography reference) I think it’s also a character description.
The duality of the mind. I want to be good, but I want to be bad. I want to be praised, but I want what I want. This prompts external expressions like “playing the field” You should do that. Be flexible. Try new things. Choose your shoes. Kick in them. Dance it up.
I encourage it. Try it with scissors. It’s the same thing. It’s never a good night until you push….something.
The problem is, that we don’t know what we don’t know, and we perceive what we think we do, based on our learned personal experience.
Individually not Mutually
We make mistakes with that personal understanding. That makes two of us.
I love making mistakes. Do you?
I’m choosing to. The game has changed. Willfully. It’s liberating to do grey things.
Every picture ever taken was prompted by a question. That question, is what is this evidence of? What does it say? What does it want to say?
Every single one of my images have 3 very specific characteristics . Every-single-one.
I will expose it how I want it. Sometimes this is dark. It’s my style. I’ve looked darkness in the eyes, it’s not so scary. It’s frightened actually. Beauty is found in the shadows of things. Light is given, light is taken.
I will compose it how I want it. This is to influence how you see the image. The story of the structures and lines. I am scary obsessed with composition and minimalism. I want you to see what I want you to see. Then, find your own understanding. Perhaps I’ll post some examples of this.
I will choose the timing of when I share that photograph. Sometimes this will be yrs. That’s because timing is everything.
Interesting, that when I read that back to myself, it sounds like a recipe for a really bad marriage.
I jest.
What it sounds like is an image maker obsessed with His image.
Full confession, I am very image conscious. What that means has certainly changed over the years. I’ve changed. I will change again.
That’s called adaptation. This is another talent of mine. I’m also very uniquely sensitive. Just like you are.
One must not confuse adaptation with flexibility, however.
Flexibility is bending to an outside force. Adapting, is internal to external. We want and need the pressure.
The problem with being a very sensitive, empathetic, talented adaptor, is that one ends up being an easy target for manipulation. Knowingly and unknowingly.
This can actually become an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Sometimes intentionally, willfully, sometimes not. Especially if it’s a family member, or lover. That depends on what the manipulator wants or needs, and who needs the dopamine.
Gaslighting happens internally and eternally at the same time. It doesn’t happen otherwise.
Stop playing the game, speak truth, and it’s amazing how quick questions come quickly, yet arrive so slowly. It’s perplexing.
That’s why a strong identity is vital to the photograph. To the photographer. I have questions.
I’m curious about something.
What’s in the shadows?
What do you do when there’s nothing left to impress?
Steal Magnolias.
I have a wonderful small magnolia tree in my backyard. This spring it flowered so lovely and seemed to bloom for weeks.
It would give me new compositions with every angle and camera that I used to photograph it. Just lovely.
The audacious absurdity of spectral analysis.
Also known as over thinking it.
Time to write, time to speak, time to create, time to take the odd moment.
Drums make sense in my brain.
They drive my soul. Playing them brings me joy. I love them. It’s not the thing, it’s the action.
They provide an endless amount of progression and learning. Endless means for mistakes. Beautiful serenity in endless creativity, pattern, song, and rhythm.
I’ve never thought of Photography like that. I like that. It’s a good approach.
Starting and stopping.
Timing is the passage of it. The clicking of the shutter. The image is the moment of thought. A beat.
The striking of a hammer, a feather lifted by the air, a stone weathered by the water, and a thought becomes aware.
Wait. Is that love?
I am a photographer, yes. I am also a drummer. I’m also a writer, a cook, a gamer, and a nerd. I’m also a film and television Set Dresser. I shamelessly danced to pop music this afternoon. I was peeling stickers, by myself. I love being alone, but I needed something to do. It’s part of the job. I’m not good with silence sometimes. Yet, I’m learning. Learning to dance while holding scissors. Hard work is good work.
I do know how to make noise, often foolishly. I’m convicted, I’m forgiven. Try again. Practice more. I love this way too.
What I’ve been practicing lately is understanding myself. No, this isn’t a journal entry. I’m very conscious that what I say here is public.
In the past I’ve been accused of being a lot of things. I understand now that really none of that matters. My identity isn’t found in what you think about me, what I do, or who you think I am. My best thinking brought me here. That means, if this is public, we need to clear some things up. Because clearly, I haven’t been clear with all of you. Things have been misunderstood.
Insanity is doing and thinking the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome.
That’s why I stopped drinking. I’m very bad at it. I preferred to be isolated when I did. I tried to hide it. I stopped.
Yet, it’s no coincidence that for roughly the same time that I’ve spent learning to drum, I also spent drowning myself. Pain management is pain management. Depends on the person, depends on the pain.
I needed to change how I managed the pain of learning that I felt and shared. I needed serenity.
Serenity is found when we ask our God to grant it to us. That means accepting the things we can’t change (That we are flawed).
Then, to ask for the courage to change the things that we can change.
That’s tough sometimes.
The reason it’s tough is because real wisdom is understanding the difference between what you can change and what you can’t.
It’s not our right to change people. That right wasn’t given to us. We are just the spokespeople for something.
What that is, is what we are. It’s what we personally believe identity is found in. It’s the character we function in. That means we communicate. How and what we communicate is often the problem. I’m aware of that.
I’m trying to learn wisdom and honesty. Seldom are they learned apart. That means, if the current song has been on repeat, and you don’t enjoy it anymore, change the song. Play differently. Be the change that you want to see, be the hammer, be the feather, be the stone, be the water.
Try to manipulate the pattern, understand it. Never relent in your graceful learning and listening. Give grace to yourself for the mistakes you made along the way, because that’s how we learn, and then try to do it better. That’s called being human.
Be the musician, not the mimic. Understand when to give it a rest. Learn when to act.
I’ve been doing that for 26yrs. Still learning. I drum primarily on listening. I’ve been living for 44yrs. I live primarily by living, badly.
I listened to, and learned rhythm in church. Drumming with my palms, on the backs of cushion chairs. I have no formal music education but have recently discovered that I might have inadvertently learnt a very difficult type of poly rhythmic pattern making. I didn’t know what that ment 3 weeks ago.
My brain, once again doing interesting things, especially with enhanced learning and self control. Now that I’m aware of this, I’ve started treating my kit-learning differently. I drum when I feel like it. I write like that. Drum like that.
Drum solo. Then.
When you drum, drum with drummers. Drum with music. Create structured patterns for melody to flow.
Musicians tend to hear musicians.
Songs after all, are universal. So is the creator of them.
This was recorded yesterday, after a long shift at work. I sat down, picked up my sticks and hit record. One take.
I’m tired, I can tell. Mistakes, improvisation, and problem solving, that’s how I learned in the first place. It’s 14 min of song, learning, and improvisation.
It’s played on my kit you see here. I’m so thankful that my family put up with my “education”. I still need patience sometimes. I’m human. Please forgive me. Let’s just call that humanity.
